Cool Chemicals for Cewl College Kids – Sponsored by Clorox

Hey College students! What is happening in the house tonight! We here at Clorox understand you youths and want to help you with all your cleaning chemical needs. Naturally, we found your favorite satire magazine, Hard Copy, and made this hip and groovy article! Neat, huh?

Clean Up® Cleaner + Bleach

  • This is a unique blend, straight from our chemical lab in Oakland, California. It will suit all your mess clean-up needs! But enough business, we know how much you love memes. Look at this one we made all by ourselves! Incredible how relevant we are in today’s world.

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Clorox® Scentiva™ Multi-Surface Cleaner

  • Though from the same scent family as Cleaner + Bleach, this lovely blend is particularly relevant for all the millennials because it is extra special. Just like you! In fact, we used a GoFundMe to help bring it to the shelves. See how cool and up-to-date we are here at Clorox?

ToiletWand® System

  • This one is no ordinary toilet cleaner. We pride ourselves in how this one turned out. Simple to use, yet so sleek and elegant. The perfect tool for any millennial, especially those using drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with stagnant wages, impossible job requirements and corporate-driven decimation of blue and white collar jobs! Say good-bye to gross toilets!

Bourbon barrel-aged Double IPA-infused CounterXCleaner®

  • Know a craft beer lover or just a hipster? The CounterXCleaner is from our new hip startup office located in Brooklyn New York, a cool new neighborhood that is now growing fast! This isn’t just like any startup though, it features all the regular gimmicks — free catered food, limitless high-end coffee and chocolate, and six-figure starting salaries — but also so much more. Employees or as we call them, thinkers, are given unlimited vacation time, free Lyft and Uber rides wherever they desire, and are all working on their second or third doctorate during work hours! Certainly if you were born with the right skill set and family connections you too can join them someday. Look, another meme!

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— Mark Wilson

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