A Love Letter to Seattle U, from a Graduating Hard Copy Writer


Dear Seattle University,

If you were a person, you would be a crazy one. Clinically insane. Absolutely, incoherently, astonishingly, bat-shit, bird-spit, rudy-redhawk-tit-lactating-milk-spilt-in-a-fit, twenty ways to Friday, FUCKIN’ CRAZY. And I couldn’t love you more for it.

Your craziness renders passion for the things you care about, and I think that’s important to recognize.

You didn’t like the Dean of one of your colleges, so you sat on her floor in an attempt to get her to leave. And she did. She literally said, “Jesus, alright you got me,” packed up her shit, and got the hell out.

Then, you demolished an email chain that contained another college Dean all because one person hit Reply All. You made him write a legitimate cease and desist letter.

And then, you didn’t like some shit Steve-Daddy was saying about the drag show, so you got him trashed in The Stranger and the Seattle Times, like it was nothing.

It’s easy to focus on the negatives, especially when your goal as a satirist is to exploit them. But it’s important to remember that the school is based around your passion for what’s right, and your intense desire to dismantle what’s wrong.

For the ways you do that, honestly, you are fucking insane. And I’m sad to be leaving.

For every bad thing, for every scandal, for every shitty Spectator article that no one reads anyway, for every mechanical bull at homecoming, for every increasingly deteriorating Quadstock, and for every terrible thing Steve-Daddy does, just remember… there is a shining red apple.


Pringles Chipsies, Small Pools, Juicy, etc.


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