Breaking: The Spectator’s Underground Child Sweatshop Exposed

SEATTLE, WA — Late Thursday night, Seattle University Public Safety officers discovered a warehouse underneath The Spectator’s office, housing hundreds of kindergartners. After further investigation it was found that the children were being forced to write articles for The Spectator. “It explains a lot. It explains the poor quality of the paper, and it explains…

Public Safety Officer Caught Installing Nitrous Turbo on Segway

SEATTLE UNIVERSITY – A public safety officer is facing discipline this week for attempting to install a nitrous turbo booster on his segway. The attempted modification would allow the officer to travel from Xavier Residence Hall to the Student Center in 5 seconds or less. Public Safety supervisor Hubert Pubert commented on the incident, “Listen,…

Turf War Erupts over Library Study Rooms

SEATTLE – Twelve students are in critical condition at the Swedish Medical Center after a massive turf war erupted in the Lemieux Library. The clash between students began over study rooms, which have become increasingly valuable and sought-after as finals week begins to ramp up. An estimated seventy-two students participated in the battle, and three…