Rudy Giuliani Voted Sexiest Republican Alive

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — To Paul Ryan’s astonishment, his dumbbell and bench-press photoshoot did not pay off in the long run. He was voted the third sexiest Republican, right behind Arnold Schwarzenegger and of course, former mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani was not even in the running until his high-energy speech at the…

GOP Adds “Fracking” to List of Official Family Values

Earlier this week, the GOP updated their website to reflect that fracking is now one of their Official Family Values, alongside items such as tradition, hard work, and undying stubbornness in the face of a scientific consensus about climate change. When asked to comment on the addition, Donald Trump said: “I love the change. Oh…

Voter’s Rejoice! He Who Walks Behind the Rows has made a Presidential Endorsement!

Every four years, voters across the United States are faced with the question of who should be the next Commander-in-Chief. Often this process takes months, with candidates traveling the nation spreading their message to voters, seeking endorsements from various Unions and Corporations, and influential individuals. In the Midwest however, former governors, senators or organizations all…

Rick Santorum Comes Out as Human

In a surprise announcement to a private dinner held in Newport Beach, California, former Presidential Candidate and Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum came out as a human being. Pundits immediately pounced on the news, with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews calling it, “a clear appeal to the influential human voting bloc,” and  The O’Reilly Factor’s Bill O’Reilly describing…