Albers Student to Become Big Business Boy Just Like Daddy

SEATTLE, WA– Timothy Daniels, a junior Business Administration major, has his career figured out. “I’m going to be a big business boy just like daddy. Daddy has nice, shiny cars and we lived in a big, busty house growing up,” noted Daniels. Daniels can often be found wearing a button down, slacks, and premium leather…

Local Satirist Changes Person’s Perspective

Seattle, WA — Local satirical magazine Hard Copy writer Mark Wilson has, in a recent article, changed the way Seattle University student Emma Jefferson thought about an issue. “Oh I’ve never thought about it that way before” said Emma after reading one of Wilson’s articles “I’m really glad satire exists as a way for me…

Professors are Losing Their Battle with Spring Weather

As the weather gets warmer, students start skipping their classes and spend their days outside doing fun things. “I wish the rain would have kept up,” Dr. Madden laments. “It’s supposed to be 82 this Monday and I’m nervous nobody will show up. Maybe they’ll go swimming or tan in the park like rational people.”…

Relative Asks About SPU for Billionth Time

Family sources have confirmed that your distant uncle asked you about your time at Seattle Pacific University for the billionth time. Although you go to Seattle University (and you will continue to remind him of this fact), there is little doubt your uncle will continue to confuse the two schools. “I love Queen Anne. You…

“I Just Don’t See Race” Remarks White Friend

“Yeah, I just don’t really see race,” reported University of Washington Sophomore and Sport Management major, Jacob Schneider, to a group of friends minutes ago. “America has basically become a post-racial society,” Schneider continued while swinging his Lexus car keys around his finger, not noticing the strange and confused looks shot at him by his…