Veganism Hasn’t Decreased Friend’s Dickishness

Fremont, Seattle — Sources close to local asshole and college student Aidan Smith reported that after becoming a vegan, Smith is “just about as much of a dick as before.” “Yea at first when he told us he was going vegan, we were really worried that Aidan would become even more of a dick,” a…

Dean Kelly to Remove Cotton Gin from Classroom

Seattle University, Matteo Ricci College — In a shocking turn of events, Matteo Ricci College Dean Jodi Kelly has agreed to remove the College’s cotton gin that was stood in the middle of her office. Many speculate that the move may have been motivated by recent student protests about the curriculum, racial makeup, and teaching…

White Friend finds Olive Oil Spicy

The Bistro — Seattle University Sophomore Jeff Loggins was reportedly unable to finish his salad due to the presence of olive oil on some of the lettuce. “Come on guys, really?!” shouted an upset and red-faced Loggins “this is not cool! You know I can’t handle spicy food!” “I mean we knew he can’t handle…

Hard Copy Advice Column 2

Tips for charging my laptop? Chip Otlecoli: Just put it like 40 feet away from you, get your angry eyes on, start sprinting at it, unleash a battle cry, and tackle it once you get close. That’s how you charge a laptop. Donnie Rhoads: The judicial system is your best bet for this one, but…